I spend approximately 30 percent of my daily life in the car. Some people save their deep thoughts for the shower or for after the kids go to sleep, which is silly because that is the time to drink massive amounts of wine and watch mindless TV shows like The Bachelor. For me it is when I am driving.
I can’t really figure out why, but it might have something to do with the fact that both my little humans are strapped in one place, and the fear of them dying by their own mischief is greatly reduced.
Anyway, I realized that my thoughts are probably similar to other moms’ (sorry, dads; some of these are lady specific) thoughts when they are truckin’ their kids to and from daycare, school, doctor’s appointments, friends’ houses, soccer practice, the gym, and so much more. So, here are just a few snippets of what goes through my mind on any given day.
1. Dear lord woman, tweeze those eyebrows before they become a single brow.
There is something about the natural light in the car that showcases all of your neglected areas. Eyebrows need to be tweezed? Check. Dark circles need to be covered? Check. Hair needs to be highlighted? Yep. Check, Check, Check.
The rearview mirror is brutally honest: If you don’t want to come to terms with the need for self-maintenance, don’t look. Don’t even glance at it.
2. I am going to need more coffee if there is any hope of adulting today, but is it worth it?
Your dream and desperate need for coffee will be quickly squashed when you realize that you’d have to remove both little humans from their car seats, drag them inside, tell them at least three times not to dump the sugar packets and creamers on the floor, just to burn your mouth and likely drop your coffee while strapping them into their seats again.
Like I said, not worth it. Brew your own and make it to go.
3. Do I have time to run into the store for wine, toilet paper, and baby butt cream, and still make it on time for pickup?
I will do anything in my power to avoid taking my children into the grocery store. It’s like my own version of Supermarket Sweep. (If you never watched that show, YouTube it!) I have to admit, I am quite skilled at grabbing essentials in five minutes or less and still making it to daycare in time to nab a prime parking spot.
I’ll warn you, though, the grocery store at 4:55 p.m. is packed full of parents doing the same thing. It is essentially Hunger Games for adults. It can be ugly, so, “May the odds be ever in your favor.”
4. How much wine is too much wine?
I have very few vices, and the ones that I do have are pretty harmless. I can’t — OK, I won’t — live without coffee, mindless TV, and wine. These are the things (along with sweet baby snuggles) that keep me going when I am elbow deep in poop and have asked my three-year-old six times to put on her boots.
I’ve actually started buying boxed wine. Some are shockingly pretty decent and buying a box removes the possibility of judgment and guilt on the occasions when the bottle empties a little faster than anticipated. It also allows me to have just one glass if I want, which is always nice, and also rare!
Note to self, though, if you finish a box of wine, that is too much wine.
One final note: happy trails, no traffic, and clear skies to all you driving mommas out there.