celebrity

I Tried Messaging Kanye West Tweets To Guys On Tinder And This How They Responded

by Alex Cavallo

I’m 33 years old, which means that I still remember a time before Tinder. It was a gentler time, a simpler time.

Back in those halcyon days, if you wanted to meet someone — whether for a casual hookup or love eternal — you didn’t open an app; you opened the door to the nearest bar. And sure, most of my early 20s might be a Bud Light-stained road map of blurry nights and questionable decisions, but those experiences were real. They were visceral. They were happening out in the real world, IRL.

The closest thing my peers and I had to dating apps was MySpace, which was mostly just a venue for emo kids to post moody, poorly lit selfies (before selfies were even a thing) of their asymmetrical haircuts and bad piercings in a safe space. (I was once propositioned for a threesome on the site by an earnest man and his, er, extremely buxom girlfriend, but that’s another story for another time.)

That said, I remained single until I was about 31, so I’ve also had my fair share of experiences in the brave new world of dating apps. And, OK, while there are plenty of creepy/socially inept/cheeseball/[insert unflattering adjective here] men (and women) out there in the real world, there seems to be a real concentration of them swiping away in cyberspace.

There’s something about the anonymity of the internet that gives people carte blanche to say things they would never say to an actual human in the actual world. This is why so many Reddit threads (and pretty much any Twitter debate) inevitably end up devolving into a rancid trash fires. There are no consequences to saying whatever weird, gross, or straight-up offensive thing that pops into your brain when you’re typing it from behind the safety of your phone screen. (Case in point: the President.)

People say some pretty weird things to each other on Tinder in particular. I once had a man send me a picture of a killer whale (presumably meant as a ham-fisted fat joke) after I refused to send him nudes. I’ve had friends have men message them all sorts of odd things they would likely never say to them if they were to approach them in a bar, some pickup lines that are too cheesy to ever be uttered aloud, some blatantly misogynistic.

So I decided to do a little experiment and turn the tables. I didn’t want to message guys anything creepy or outright rude. I did, however, want to see how weird I could get on Tinder and still have men respond to me. Moreover, I was interested in how they would respond. With “weird” being a broad term, though, I needed to narrow the parameters for the sake of this experiment.

I was aimlessly scrolling through Twitter one day when it hit me: I would message dudes on Tinder using Kanye West tweets. Only Kanye West tweets.

You want to talk about weird? This man’s Twitter feed reads like Hunter S. Thompson on a really bad trip (an ego trip, heh). Kanye’s tweets are irreverent, nonsensical, and completely unique in their oddness. They were perfect.

So, I re-downloaded Tinder (I’d long deactivated my account) and got swiping.

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First, I had to set up my profile.

Tinder gives you 500 characters to write whatever you want about yourself to try to convince strangers on the internet that you are dateable, or at least someone they’d like to see naked. However, we all know that pictures, especially on Tinder, are worth a thousand words.

Guys tend to fill their profiles with pictures of one or all of the following:

At the gym, getting swole.

Holding a fish, for some reason.

Alternatively, standing on top of a mountain.

In a suit, usually at a wedding.

In a bar, with, like, eight other dudes. (They are never, ever the best-looking one in this photo.)

With a woman, to prove that they know one, and she doesn’t mind being around them.

On the other hand, women just post whatever photos we think we look best in. Some women post bikini photos. I am not one of those women. Instead, I went with the following:

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Me in a pink beanie, with two friends, because I like to show I have friends.

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Me dressed as Sonic the Hedgehog for Halloween, to show I am fun (and also old, because this is a dated video game reference).

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Me with a dog, to show I like dogs. Also I am wearing glasses, to show I am intellectual (and have poor eyesight).

And for my main profile photo:

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Me with two friends, taken before a wedding. There is no reasoning behind this one, other than that I just like the photo.

For my bio, I listed my interests in no particular order. (Please note that I am not interested in sports.)

It was time to get matched.

In the past, I curated my swipes very carefully, making sure only to swipe right on men I’d actually be interested in possibly meeting out in the real world. However, my male friends have told me (to my dismay) that men pretty much just swipe right on every girl they see to increase their odds. It’s a numbers game, you see.

For the sake of the experiment, I swiped like a man. Soon enough, my inbox was filling up with potential internet suitors with whom I’d matched.

It was Go Time.

I decided to start with a positive tweet.

I decided to start with a positive tweet.

I didn’t want to get too weird right off the bat, so I thought I’d ease into the experiment with this tweet about good karma (or something).

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I sent it and waited. And waited. I’m still waiting, because he never answered. (I can’t blame him. It’s kind of rude to call someone you’ve never met “bro.”)

I tried it with another match, expecting the same results, and… he answered.

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The problem was, once I had him, I wasn’t sure how to proceed. How was the universe on our side? To be honest, lately I’ve been feeling that the universe is hell-bent on making things as unpleasant as possible. But I digress.

I decided to cut my losses and move on to another match.

Match No. 2: Short and sweet

Match No. 2: Short and sweet

I liked how succinct this tweet was, and also that it was a call to action. It was pretty weird, though, so I seriously doubted that a guy would respond.

However.

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This match answered right away — and not only that, he had actually gone ahead and Googled dopamine. This guy was a good sport. I felt a little bad about involving him in my experiment but figured, hey, at least he learned something new. Actually, we both did. That’s an interesting fact.

Match No. 3: It's true, I can't really be managed.

Match No. 3: It's true, I can't really be managed.

This tweet makes sense if you’re Kanye West and you just fired your manager. It does not make sense if you’re a random girl on Tinder and this is your opening line to a potential date.

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I couldn’t tell if this response was meant to be sarcastic, or if this match was genuinely happy for me. If I had just cut my manager loose, because wild horses can’t be tamed, it would be kind of a big life moment for me.

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While I was trying to figure out his intentions and debating how to respond, the match weighed in again — this time, with a GIF of the scene from Step Brothers where Dale and Brennan make their own bunk beds. GIFs of collapsing bunk beds is a form of sexting I am not familiar with. What did it mean?

Honestly, probably nothing. Or that he was messing with me right back, which I appreciate. Either way, I felt that I’d hit a dead end with this match and closed the door on our conversation.

Match No. 4: Kanye and I find common ground.

Match No. 4: Kanye and I find common ground.

This match messaged me first. It was a generic “How’s it going?” message, which to be honest is one of my least-favorite opening lines. Yes, it’s friendly enough, but there’s really nowhere to go from there. The obvious answers — “Fine” or “Not bad” or “My life is actually unraveling at an alarming pace, u?” — aren’t exactly sexy.

I decided to choose this Kanye tweet because it accurately summed up my vibe.

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At first, things were going pretty well! Was it actually possible to have an actual conversation with a potential match using only Kanye tweets? I hit him with a more out-there tweet after we’d both made it clear that we were pro-nap, and the conversation progressed.

Alas, Kanye and I took it too far, and my match lost patience.

No, this actually isn’t how I normally converse. And for good reason.

(THIS IS ACTUALLY HOW KANYE NORMALLY CONVERSES.)

Match No. 5: Let's get serious.

Match No. 5:  Let's get serious.

When I found this tweet, I knew I was going to have to throw it into the mix. It’s weird as hell. It’s weird as a tweet, and weirder as a line to send to a guy you may or may not want to have sex with.

If a guy messaged me this, I would block him immediately.

And yet.

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He was totally into it! I’m not sure if this makes him open-minded or a straight weirdo. It probably just makes him a dude willing to entertain whatever nonsense a girl on Tinder wants to talk about if it means he might get laid, TBH.

Either way, I guess I appreciate his willingness to discuss his unsettled pain with a stranger. Mr. Sensitive over here, ladies!

Match No. 6: Finally, I found my equal.

Match No. 6: Finally, I found my equal.

This guy came in hot with a double whammy. First, a compliment: “You have a beautiful face.” Then, a question: “Where are you from?”

Unfortunately for him, I wasn’t interested in the past, so where I was from was irrelevant.

I was only interested in where I was going.

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He fielded it deftly and passed the ball back to me. I was impressed, so I hit him with another Kanye tweet.

I’m not even sure what this tweet is supposed to mean — Kanye’s struggling with the haters again, I guess — but it seemed to fit, so I messaged my match back. Maybe he would know a better way?

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Not bad advice, actually.

I was going to have to take this to the next level.

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Aha! This was too outré even for this zen soul. I’d lost him.

I left it at that, assuming this was the end of our conversation. I was clearly a weirdo.

A few hours later, though, he checked back in. This time he wanted to know what I was up to. I didn’t answer.

Then, in the wee hours of the morning, he gave it one last try.

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I wasn’t, actually.

I’d learned something valuable, however: Kanye West’s tweets spit a decent game. And men on Tinder are not terribly hard to impress.