Wives of the world, Jill Duggar Dillard has some sage sex advice for you.
Jill is the fourth out of 19 (biological) Duggar children.
She has been married to Derick Dillard since 2014. This week, she wrote a blog post about how wives can help keep their relationships healthy, and it’s pretty controversial and old-fashioned.
The first tip is all about sex. Jill thinks sex is important to maintaining a healthy marriage, and that you should have lots of it. Three to four times a week to start, she says.
That means that wives should make sure that their husbands know they’re always ~up for it~.
“Let your spouse know that you’re always available,” Jill wrote.
She recommends buying new lingerie, showering before bed, giving your husband long kisses … and other ways to keep the fire alive.
Needless to say, not everyone agrees with this advice, which seemingly advises wives to be sexually on call for their husbands 24/7.
You probably wouldn’t expect to get sex advice from the Duggars, of all people. The clan of 19 children are members of a devout and extremely conservative Christian group, the Independent Baptists.
But one of the eldest Duggar daughters, 28-year-old Jill, offered some sex advice on the family blog that she maintains with her husband, Derick Dillard.
Jill and Derick have been married for five years, and they have two sons together.
The post is titled “More Than Sex: How To Love Your Husband.”
The first way that you can love your husband, according to Jill? “Have sex often!”
“You both need this time together regularly,” Jill writes.
She recommends three to four times a week as “a good start.”
Jill also advises wives to “let your spouse know that you’re always available.”
She recommends buying new lingerie, giving six-second kisses every day, and letting him know you’re up for it by showering and putting on “fragrant lotion.”
The entire list includes 40 tips, most of which are not related to sex. She writes that people should refrain from “fulfilling sexual desires alone.”
Importantly, the post is geared specifically toward wives.
There’s definitely some good advice in the post — like seeing a counselor if you’re facing persistent issues in your relationship.
But according to marriage and sex therapist Dr. Jane Greer, Jill’s advice doesn’t quiiite cut it.
First, there’s the fact that these tips put way too much responsibility on the wives.
“This post has a lot of good advice — but only if you apply it to both partners and not unconditionally,” Dr. Greer told Parade.
Second, it’s not healthy to feel like you have to be “always available” for sex with your spouse.
“Having sex often is great if both partners want to and neither feels pressured, resentful, or guilty,” Dr. Greer said. “You need to respect that you each have your own levels of sexual desire.”
It’s important that nobody in a relationship feels pressured to have sex when they don’t feel like it.
“If you’re not in the mood but your husband is, you don’t have to have intercourse,” Dr. Greer reiterated.
Instead: “You can be responsive to manual or oral play or accompany your partner while they pleasure themselves.”
“The notion of being unconditionally available to your partner is unrealistic,” Dr. Greer added.
“You have the choice to go along with sexual activity when you’re not in the mood, assuming you’ll get in the mood, but you don’t need to be sexually available to your partner all the time. This will breed resentment and anger.”
Many people on Twitter have responded to Jill’s advice with critical thoughts. Others have defended her tips as sound advice.
Jill isn’t the first person in her family to advise being available for sex all the time. Her mother, Michelle Duggar, gave essentially the same advice on Today in 2014.
“In your marriage there will be times you’re going to be very exhausted,” Michelle said. “Your hubby comes home after a hard day’s work, you get the baby to bed, and he is going to be looking forward to that time with you.”
“Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls,” she said.
Yep, definitely sounds like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree!