health

I Followed The Queen’s Daily Alcohol Regimen For A Week And I’m Surprised I Got Anything Done

by Olivia Jakiel
Olivia Jakiel is an experienced editor and writer residing in the magical and enchanting land of North Hollywood, CA. She enjoys baking, cooking, and long walks to the wine cellar with her dog, and also consumes rotisserie chicken at an extremely alarming rate. Bylines on HelloGiggles, MSN, Yahoo, Obsev, and more.

If there are two things on this godforsaken-trash-fire-planet we call Earth that I absolutely love, it’s day drinking and all things British.

So naturally, when the idea of following Queen Elizabeth II’s daily drinking regimen was brought about in a pitch meeting, I did my best Katniss Everdeen impression and volunteered as tribute — as swiftly and passionately as possible. I will sacrifice my week to drink like the Queen, I thought, full of nobility and pride. I will do this for The Peasants, The Plebeians, The People.

If you’re not an avid royal-watcher like myself, and thus are not privy to the Queen’s daily alcohol consumption, let me shine a little truth spotlight for you.

She, no joke, consumes four alcoholic beverages a day, every day — three of which are drunk, respectively, before, during, and immediately after lunch. Yes, you read that correctly: lunch. Girlfriend likes to get sauced before noon. Turns out the Queen and I have more in common than I thought.

“That can’t be good for your health,” you’re probably saying out loud. And you know what, dear reader? I was wholeheartedly on the same page as you, until I realized the queen is 91 years old and still seems to accomplish way more than I do on a given day. Just how does she do it, though?

Wine. Gin. Champagne. Somewhat in that order — that’s how.

Atinooch Jungwiwattanaporn for RockYou

The Queen's Routine

As previously mentioned, the Queen downs four alcoholic beverages each day:

  • A gin and Dubonnet with lemon and “lots of ice” before lunch
  • A dry gin martini during lunch
  • A glass of wine (with a piece of chocolate) after lunch
  • Champagne before bed

 

The Royal Bar (AKA My Desk)

The Royal Bar (AKA My Desk)
Courtesy of Author for LittleThings

Fun fact: Grocery store patrons will look at you like you’re a big ole bag of personal issues when you buy mass amounts of alcohol at 9:30 a.m. on a Monday.

“I’m doing this for the sake of journalism, OK?” I told the grown man buying a small bottle of milk, undoubtedly meant for his own personal consumption (as if drinking dairy past age 5 isn’t worse than a gin-and-wine cocktail in the morning, smh).

I had to improvise a little here, by the way. My local grocery store didn’t have Dubonnet, but I found a decent replacement in a dessert port wine (the two are very similar, fyi). Also, vermouth was literally nowhere to be found, so I substituted it with diet tonic water. (Don’t tell the Queen.)

Atinooch Jungwiwattanaporn for RockYou

Day 1

The Queen drinks her first beverage of the day before lunch, so that’s exactly what I did. Rules are rules. I made a gin and “Dubonnet” with lots of ice and a lemon; if you’re wondering what it tastes like, look no further than my face.

Courtesy of Author for LittleThings

The next day I came to find that I’d made the gin and “Dubonnet” cocktail COMPLETELY wrong, which is why I look like I just licked the devil’s butt after he ran a marathon. Note to self: 2 parts wine, 1 part gin — not the other way around.

My second drink was my version of a dry gin martini, mostly because I really do not like the taste of gin (why am I doing this experiment again?), so I tried to make it as palatable as possible by adding diet tonic water and a ton of lemon slices.

It was still hard to choke down, probably because it was Monday, at noon, and I was at work. I finished off my lunch with a glass of wine and a piece of chocolate, as the Queen does, and continued on with my workday as best I could.

Day 2

Day 2
Courtesy of Author for LittleThings

Oh my God, help me. I trudged into the office, most definitely not excited to start drinking at 11 a.m. I’ve got stuff to do! I can’t be sauced while assigning out stories and editing them, right? RIGHT?

Wrong! Turns out, I totally can. Because I did.

Courtesy of Author for LittleThings

Or did I? Later, I searched for a doc in my email and, when it turned up nothing, realized I was searching “Licensing Procedure” in my Facebook search bar, so…

Courtesy of Author for LittleThings

RIP to my liver, which has had an OK run, and it’s only day two. Don’t get me wrong, I like drinking, but man, doing so before noon during the workweek, two days in a row, is really cramping my style. I usually save my wine for after work.

Courtesy of Author for LittleThings

Which brings me to the Queen’s before-bed glass of Champagne. OK, this isn’t technically Champagne; it’s sparkling wine. But that’s good enough for a peon like me. I have my nightcap at 7:30 p.m. (I honestly go to bed by 9 most nights during the week), and this feels more… normal. Mostly because it’s 7:30 in the evening and not 11 in the morning.

Day 3

Day 3
Courtesy of Author for LittleThings

I’ve got my game face on today, folks. Pass me the vino!

Note: This day went by in a blur, and I was so harried I honestly forgot about my drinking regimen until about 2 p.m. Whoops! How does the Queen balance royal engagements and multiple cocktail hours? I guess I’ll just have an extra big glass of Champagne tonight to make up for it.

Day 4

Day 4
Courtesy of Author for LittleThings

Thursdays are my busiest day of the workweek, so I buckled myself in for a wild ride.

Courtesy of Author for LittleThings

Courtesy of Author for LittleThings

I expressed my concerns to another coworker, who unfortunately missed the “Olivia Drinks Like the Queen” show all week, and even though she believed in my ability to function like a normal human…

Courtesy of Author for LittleThings

I was not entirely functioning. Exhibit A: Our weekly editorial pitch meeting.

Courtesy of Author for LittleThings

I thought I was killin’ it until my coworker sent me this lovely photo.

Courtesy of Author for LittleThings

At this point (my third beverage of the fourth day), I’m feeling like I just need to go home and take a nap. I’m suddenly overly emotional about things that really don’t matter, and I end up taking a depression nap when I get home, because drinking gin and wine all day will do that to you, apparently.

After my nap, I gather myself, pop open some Champagne (sparkling wine), and have my nightcap à la the Queen, while watching Chopped in my “house clothes” (the Queen does that too, right?).

Atinooch Jungwiwattanaporn for RockYou

Day 5

At a little after midnight on day five I literally threw up gin through my nose. Twice. So it’s safe to say I’m probably not going to consume any more of that devil-poison for this experiment. I fold.

That said…

On the surface, this experiment seemed like it would be a blast. Drink like the Queen for a week and get paid for it? Sign me up! 

*Narrator: It was not a blast.*

As long as I made sure my drinks were pretty weak, and I drank a lot of water throughout the day, it wasn’t too difficult to go about my normal workday and keep my routine. However, physically, I just didn’t feel great throughout the entire week. Everything felt just… fuzzy. And not in a fun way.

Hats — er, crowns — off to the Queen for making this ~her thing~ and sticking to it. I royally commend her for it. She’s obviously made of stronger stuff than myself.