LIFE

I Thought My New Girlfriend Was Great, Then She Included Her Ex In Our Valentine’s Plan

becca Rebecca Endicott

Just about anyone can confirm that the human experience is a real roller coaster. There are lots of wonderful peaks, and lots of challenging valleys.

If you’ve ever found yourself brought low by a tough situation, you know that sometimes, you need a little bit of outside guidance to find your way up again. That’s why LittleThings created the weekly Ask Becca advice column!

Every week, I sort through lots of thoughtful submissions from you, our readers. If you have a query or question of your own, you can send it my way at AskBecca@LittleThings.com!

I try to pick questions that a lot of folks can relate to, and I love when readers add their own words of wisdom in the comments. The more the merrier!

Last week, we discussed chronic illness, family political tensions, a messy divorce, and a dead-end job.

This week, I’ll be tackling an unwelcome ex, vanishing orgasms, a husband with a porn habit, and making friends in a new town.

Scroll through below for my very best Ask Becca advice, and be sure to add in your own insights in the comments section at the bottom!

And if you have a problem of your own, feel free to send it my way at AskBecca@LittleThings.com!

Photo Credit: Flickr / Flickr

Jealous Ex

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Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Dear Becca,
I recently just got into a relationship with this beautiful girl who we will call K. K and I met online, and hit it off on our first date.

However, she warned me she has a “crazy ex” who will always be in her life because he is her best friend.

J, the ex, has been doing his best to make me mad and is constantly upset with her if she makes plans with me. He recently said that he couldn’t give her a ride out to me for our date on Valentine’s Day because he would get “jealous.”

This caused an argument in which he told me it’s “something I have to deal with.” I feel like he is threatening my relationship if I don’t simply accept the fact that he’s acting like a jealous boyfriend.

Her friends don’t like him and neither do mine, but she doesn’t seem to understand why I can’t stand the idea of him. He got into an argument with her and proceeded to make fun of me.

He is verbally abusive to her, and she continues to defend him and claims that I need to either get along with him or stop talking to him.

I feel like I am dating J as well as K, and I can’t handle this.

Is she worth the trouble? How can I help her get out of this situation?

Sincerely,

Confused

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Dear Confused,

How much of the time you spend with K is really dominated by her relationship with her ex? I think that’s the most important question here.

To me, it sounds like K and J aren’t as broken up as they claim to be. I’m not saying that they still consider themselves a couple, but it’s pretty clear that the emotions there are still very strong.

It’s perfectly possible to be friends with your ex, but it usually requires a bit of time and distance first. Their relationship sounds far from platonic.

Essentially, it seems like K isn’t willing to make the tough choice here and commit to just one partner.

My opinion? You need to have an open conversation with K and ask her how she really feels about her ex. Who does K want to be with?

If the answer is J, then it’s time for you to part ways. She is not ready to move on from him.

Meanwhile, I’m also troubled by your description of J as an obsessive and jealous person, whom you call “verbally abusive.”

When you talk to K, you should communicate that their relationship is unhealthy and potentially dangerous. She might not like hearing it, but your perspective on the situation might help her see J’s flaws more clearly.

Best of luck in life and in love,

Becca

Unsatisfied In Bed

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Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Hello,

Hope this isn’t TMI… Me and my husband used to have awesome sex. But this past year, I’ve been faking my orgasms…

I don’t know what’s up, but I just can’t get there anymore. Is something wrong with me? Should I tell him the truth? I’m scared cause it’s been so long…

Also, should I be pissed he hasn’t noticed I’m faking? I don’t know what to do. Please help.

-Unsatisfied

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Dear Unsatisfied,

The female orgasm (as all women know) is incredibly complex. Usually, when you find you can’t have an orgasm, there are a lot of different factors in play.

You say that you’ve been faking your orgasms for about a year. Think back. Did your sex life change somehow in the past year? Maybe one or both of you has been going through something stressful at work or in your home life. Maybe one of you went through a health change.

If you’re over the age of 45, you might also be experiencing the first symptoms of peri-menopause. It’s not uncommon for women to lose some of their sex drive as their hormones begin to change.

It could also be a sign that you simply need to spice things up in the bedroom. Maybe the routine that worked in the past was just getting hum-drum.

The first step to reclaiming your orgasm is to tell your husband. You can tell him you’ve been faking, but I wouldn’t make a huge deal out of it. It’s not his fault he couldn’t read your mind, and he probably just took you at your word (or faked moans).

Next, suggest experimenting with some new techniques in bed. Maybe consider bringing a vibrator into bed or focusing more on oral pleasure. Sometimes these triggers are more effective for getting to the edge.

If switching up your bedroom routine doesn’t get things going for you, I would just relax and stop focusing on orgasm. Orgasm doesn’t have to be the goal of sex; there’s a lot of pleasure to be had in other aspects of intimacy, from caressing to cuddling.

Medical inability to orgasm does exist, but it’s very rare, so I would try a few changes to the routine before getting overly worried about your lack of orgasm.

Relax and enjoy!

Becca

Hubby's Habit

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Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Hey Becca,

This is awkward, but I don’t know how else to say it… I think my husband is addicted to porn.

He says he rarely watches it, but I’ve caught him a few times now. I think it’s starting to impact our sex life, he says he’s never in the mood.

I think he’d rather be watching those porn stars than having sex with me sometimes.

Personally, I also just find it really icky. I don’t get the appeal at all.  How do I ask him to stop?

-Grossed Out

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Dear Grossed Out,

Porn is a tricky subject, because it has equal power to help and to hurt a sexual relationship, depending on what role it plays.

Erotica and pornography can definitely be part of a happy, loving sexual relationship, particularly when used by a couple together. There’s also nothing wrong with members of a couple finding pleasure on their own; masturbation is a perfectly healthy part of most everyone’s sex life.

The problem with porn is twofold.

First, watching too much porn makes it easy for men to compare real women, like their wives and girlfriends, unfavorably with the actresses in the movies.

Secondly, it can become an addiction. A man who is addicted to porn might find himself watching it at completely inappropriate times. He also might start to find that it’s the only thing that arouses him.

If you feel that your husband fits either of these two categories or both, you need to talk to him about his habit. Explain that you think it’s hurting your sex life and that it makes you uncomfortable.

Tell him, “John, I know you’re watching pornography, and I’m getting uncomfortable with how often you watch it. Can you explain to me the appeal?”

You may find that he is watching it because there’s something specific that he wants to try in bed, but is too nervous to ask for. Encourage him to talk about his fantasies, and potentially offer to bring some of his favorite erotica into the bedroom. You might learn that you two share a few naughty daydreams, and develop a richer and happier sex life as a result.

Best of luck, I hope you two find the passion and pleasure you’re looking for!

Becca

New In Town

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Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Becca,

I’m 55 years old and my husband and I just moved to a new town for his job. This sounds silly, but I’m really struggling to make friends.

In my old town, I had lived there for years and I already knew practically everyone. Plus, I made friends through work and through my kids’ clubs and playdates.

Now, I’m semiretired and just work occasionally from home. My kids are grown up, and I don’t know anyone in the area to introduce me around.

How do I make friends with all the cliques of older women in my new town? It feels like high school all over again!

-The New Girl

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Dear New Girl,

It’s true! Nobody tells you that it doesn’t get any easier to make friends as a grownup.

Kids actually have it made, because it’s pretty easy to make friends when you’re in school with your peers all day.

Adults, meanwhile, tend to stay friends with people they met growing up, and make new friends through work and through their own kids.

That’s part of the reason your situation is so tough. As a retiree and empty-nester in a new town, there are fewer opportunities to make friends automatically.

But don’t despair! You’ll have great friends again soon in no time — it’s just a matter of putting yourself out there.

First, I would consider signing up for a few adult education classes. Finally learn French or take up jewelry design, just find something that gets you out and about and socializing. You can also look for local clubs that cater to your hobbies. Knitting circles, garden societies, and rotary clubs are all worth checking out.

Secondly, don’t be afraid to make the first move! Once you get to know a few people casually, invite them to coffee or cocktails. Maybe work your way up to throwing a dinner party or planning a day trip.

If you keep showing people that you’re enthusiastic about being friends with them, they’ll be all the more eager to befriend you!

Go get ‘em!

Your friend,

Becca

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Laura Caseley for LittleThings

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