LIFE

My Husband Left When I Was 7 Months Pregnant. 4 Years Later, I Get A Phone Call About Our Baby

becca by Rebecca Endicott
Becca is a writer and aspirational dog owner living in NYC.

Got a tough question? The Ask Becca advice column is here to answer it! My weekly column takes on the ins and outs of some of life’s most complicated problems. I’m here to talk sex, love, health, family, and everything in between.

Every week, I sift through reader submissions and pick out four questions to discuss. If you have a question, I’m here to give you my very best advice.

Last week, Ask Becca took on questions about a mom with addiction issues, a dad and a boyfriend at odds, an unkind husband, and a money-hungry daughter-in-law.

This week, we’ll be discussing dating a younger man, blended-family blues, a lackluster dad, and a diminished sex drive.

Scroll through below to read the advice column, and don’t forget to weigh in with your own comments, too!

And if you have a question of your own, send me an email at AskBecca@LittleThings.com!

**These names have been changed to protect privacy.

Photo Credit: FlickrIHA

Sexy Over 60

<u>Sexy Over 60</u>
Laura Caseley for LittleThings

I have been seeing a Leo man 20 years younger than me.

He went out of his way to get my attention. We have been arguing since day one, and that started over two years ago. We were lovers at first, and then I started to get deeper feelings for him.

He wanted to keep it quiet, but he was always around me, and I grew to like him and started to want more.

Now for some reason, he won’t have sex with me anymore. He doesn’t want me to see anyone else, but he won’t commit either. I know he still likes me, but he is so SPOILED and immature.

I am 65 but look 50 and am very sexy. I’m a Leo too. He is 45.

Can you help me? I am tired of not having sex.

**Dominique

My goodness, I want what she’s having! I can tell just by reading your question that you’re a woman who runs on confidence and love for life, and that you have plenty of attitude.

It doesn’t sound like you are often in a position where a man is calling the shots and making you feel like you’re not good enough. Don’t let your younger man be the first.

There is a big age difference between the two of you, and that might be why he’s not so comfortable being open.

My best guess is that he has feelings for you, too, which is why he won’t let you move on. At the same time, he might feel strange about publicly opening up to the world and revealing that he’s dating a woman who is 20 years older. That’s why you’re left in this weird position where you can’t have a sexual relationship, you can’t have a romantic relationship, and he won’t let you move on.

I think it’s worth trying to have a conversation with him, and seeing what he really wants from your relationship. If he’s honest, there could still be something powerful here. If he won’t talk? Well, you’ll just have to move on.

He might be younger than you, but he’s a grown man, and he’s running out of excuses for his immaturity. If he isn’t willing to have an honest conversation about what’s going on between the two of you, time to cut him loose.

You’re a confident, sensual woman. You aren’t going to have any trouble finding a new man to share your bed or your life. This guy may just not be worth the heartache.

Show him your claws, Leo Lioness!

Becca

Blended-Family Blues

<u>Blended-Family Blues</u>
Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Hi Becca,

OK, so here goes. I have been with my partner for a little over eight years. I love him very much and we have a great relationship. We both have children from previous relationships. We have five children between us, one of which is our little girl who was very much wanted.

One of his sons has never met me or our 6-year-old child. He refuses point blank to accept our relationship. He is an adult, and has tried on numerous occasions to cause trouble.

His dad always gives him money. The last amount he got was £2,000 [about $2,500]. We then have to give the same amount to his brother, my partner’s other son.

My two children from a previous relationship get nothing from him, so I do my best for them. We both work full time and our sex life has now been seriously affected by the stress, but he can’t understand why I get so mad.

Any advice on how to handle this would really help.

Thank you from a frustrated woman.

Dear Frustrated,

You are a tough mama in one tough situation! It’s not unusual for sources of tension to develop in a blended family like yours. Money is a pretty common sticking point.

I don’t think that it’s unreasonable for your husband to give his two sons money, if he can afford it and he is paying it directly out of his own pocket. But if he expects you to chip in… Well, that I have a big problem with. Your two kids aren’t his financial responsibility, and his two adult children absolutely aren’t yours, especially since one of them hasn’t even bothered to meet you.

Your partner also shouldn’t be using money from your shared household accounts to give gifts to his son. After all, that’s taking money out of your joint household budget.

These sons are in their 20s, which is more than old enough to be earning their own keep. If they need to keep soliciting money from Dad, maybe he needs to have a conversation with them about personal financial responsibility. But I digress, as that’s a conversation for another day.

Here’s what I would propose. You both maintain your own separate bank accounts, plus have one joint household account for shared expenses. You both put in the same percentage of your income to fuel household expenses. Anything he wants to give his sons comes out of his own account, not your joint account.

You can also encourage him to match any amount of money that he gives to his boys with a similar financial gift for his daughter, to be put in trust until she’s 18. When every gift has to be tripled, he might suddenly become a lot less enthusiastic about giving out money.

Sit down and talk out a financial strategy with him to get your budget in oder. It’s clearly putting a strain on your relationship and sex life. If it’s really important to him to give his sons money, fine… but it shouldn’t be at your expense.

Best of luck with the budgeting!

Becca

Dad Is A Dud

<u>Dad Is A Dud</u>
Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Hi Becca,

I have a big problem. I’m a single mom with two boys ages 5 and 4. I was married to their father for three years, but he left me two months before the youngest was born.

He’s been out of our lives since then: No visits, no child support, not even birthday cards. When I divorced him, it was a whole process because I couldn’t even find him to sign the papers.

Now, after all these years have passed, he starts calling again.

He says he wants to get to know the boys and be their dad again. He even mentioned joint custody, but I am really not sure about letting him into their lives.

He has never paid a dime in support since he left and has never even met the youngest. But I want the boys to have the option to have a relationship with their dad if they want one. What do I do?!

Yours,

Mamabear

Dear Mamabear,

I don’t like to judge a book by its cover, but your ex doesn’t sound like he was much of a dad to your boys. Now, he has put you in a difficult ethical position.

I agree that your boys deserve a chance to get to know their father. I also agree that he doesn’t really deserve to get to know your boys.

My general feeling here is that the needs of your kids are always going to outweigh everything else. I think you should give them a chance to spend some time with him, but on your terms.

Give it 24 hours to get really calm and matter-of-fact. Then call him back. Tell him you are up for supervised visitation on one condition: he has to start paying his back child support.

You should also inform your divorce lawyer of the situation. If he makes payments, be sure to keep all the documents in case he tries to disappear on you again.

Then, if he agrees to your terms, you can try maybe one hour a month, just to test the waters. If things go well and he starts to earn back your trust, you can try longer stretches of time. The more he gets to know your kids, the less he’ll be able to back out of their lives again later. And your kids might thank you one day for giving them the opportunity to know their dad, even if he doesn’t ultimately live up to the challenge.

Just remember, giving your ex some visitation privileges isn’t a favor for him, it’s a favor for them.

You’re a great mom — stay strong!

Love,
Becca

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

Becca,

I’m an older guy in my 60s, and my wife and I have been happily married for more than 30 years.

When we were younger, our chemistry was unbelievable and we had a great sex life. We still have good chemistry, but now that we’re both getting older, I just don’t feel as interested in sex as I used to.

On the other hand, she seems more interested. I’m finding excuses to make love less and less, and I can tell it hurts her feelings.

How do I explain that it’s not that I love her any less, it’s just that I’m an old guy now and my libido isn’t what it used to be?

Besides, I always thought her sex drive would drop around this age, too. What’s with the sudden spike in interest? I can’t “keep up,” if you know what I mean!

** Doug

Dear Doug,

Women get all the press when it comes to hormonal changes. It’s really easy to forget that men go through hormonal tidal waves, too. Doctors aren’t always that great about talking to their male patients about the natural drop in testosterone that starts right around age 45. Testosterone levels decline pretty steadily after that. Now that you’re in your 60s, you might be feeling some of the side effects.

One major side effect of lower testosterone is a drop in sex drive. If you want a confirmation, maybe see your primary care doctor and ask for some blood work on your hormone levels. Age, weight, and some medical conditions can all factor into this.

I also think that a gradual dip in sex drive isn’t really something to worry too much about. You and your wife might not have sex as often now, but you can still have a sex life that’s satisfying for both of you. For women, menopause usually causes a libido slow-down, but might cause jumps in sex drive for some women. It sounds like that might be what happened for your wife. This is especially likely if your wife is on any kind of hormone replacement treatment.

Ultimately, the two of you might not have the same lust-fueled rhythm you had in your 20s and 3-s, but you can find a happy medium. You don’t have to have traditional sex if you don’t have the “get up and go” that you once had. Try love acts that focus on the woman. You can also try spooning, cuddling, and good old-fashioned make-out sessions. There’s no beating a classic!

Try your best to just relax and enjoy yourself! Intimacy comes in lots of different forms.

Best wishes,

Becca

Laura Caseley for LittleThings

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