LIFE

I Told My Boyfriend I Wasn’t Ready To Spend The Night. Then He Threatened To Dump Me

becca by Rebecca Endicott
Becca is a writer and aspirational dog owner living in NYC.

Ask Becca is your weekly resource for having tough conversations about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness.

Each and every week, I take reader-submitted questions from across the web and answer them with my very best advice.

If you have a question about anything — whether it’s a challenge in your love life, a problem at home, or a dilemma in your workplace — I’m here to help.

Just send your thoughts, feelings, and questions to AskBecca@LittleThings.com. I pick four to answer every Friday!

Last week, we talked about babies, baldness, pets who have passed on, and challenging family relationships.

This week, we’ll be discussing a self-destructive parent, unrequited love, getting a date, and how to handle living separately in a long-term relationship.

As always, please feel free to add you own awesome advice in the Ask Becca comment section. We love to keep the conversation going!

Scroll through below for this week’s very best advice.

Photo Credit: Facebook / Facebook

**These names have been changed to protect privacy.

Breaking Mom's Bad Habits

<u>Breaking Mom's Bad Habits</u>
Laura Casely for LittleThings

Dear Becca,

I am the daughter of a heavy-drinking mother. Lately she’s been getting worse, as in she can’t remember the things she says or what she does.

I’ve lived with this for so many years that it’s nothing new, but adding to the stress, she’s told our family she might have bone cancer.

Along with all the other stresses in my life, it’s almost immobilizing. I find it hard to talk with her or anyone. And her drinking has slowly been tearing my family apart.

I don’t know what to do anymore because she refuses to go to therapy, but I want to support her.

Please help with some advice.

~ Frenzy

Dear Frenzy,

First of all, I am sending nothing but compassion and love your way, because you have found yourself in one of the most difficult situations for any child.

Clearly, you love your mom and don’t want to lose your relationship with her. Just as clearly, she is in a self-destructive spiral and isn’t interested in breaking the cycle.

First, there’s the drinking. If she has an alcohol addiction and refuses to seek help for it despite your best efforts, your options are limited. Short of getting a court order to have her involuntarily committed to rehab, you can’t force someone to stop drinking.

Secondly, she says she “might have bone cancer.” That’s the sort of question that needs a definitive answer. It’s also worth noting that cancer treatment and alcohol don’t mix.

You might try an intervention, which sounds a little corny, but is a great way to gather together all the people who love your mom to show her that you care about her and her future.

Tell her: “Mom, you have an addiction to alcohol, and you have also hinted that you may have cancer. You need to treat both of these diseases if you want to enjoy a happy, healthy future with all of your loved ones.”

Then, offer to check her into a rehab facility. While she’s there, she can also have a doctor’s exam to find out whether she really does have bone cancer.

She might be angry at first, because people with addiction problems rarely recognize their own addictions. If she accepts, it might save her life and give her a brighter future.

And if she doesn’t accept? Unfortunately, there’s truth to the saying, “You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make her drink.”

Warmest wishes in this difficult time,

Becca

Looking For Love

<u>Looking For Love</u>
Laura Casely for LittleThings

Not sure how to exactly put this question, but here goes. I have just turned 50 years old. I rent my own apartment and have started a new career.

I think I am average looking and overall a caring, compassionate person — and I think fairly intelligent. So why can’t I get a date ?

~ Anonymous

Ah, Anonymous, that’s a question as old as time!

Getting a date is hard, hard work. In fact, I think it’s even harder work for people who are caring, compassionate, and intelligent. People with those qualities, like you, put a lot of heart into the dating process. That’s a wonderful personality trait, but it means that any rejection hits harder and hurts more.

I would make two suggestions:

  1. Sign up for an online dating service like OkCupid or eHarmony. People like to take jabs at online dating, but for lots of folks, it really, really works! It can’t hurt to give it a shot, and it makes the process of finding people easier. Besides, you never know — you might just meet the love of your life through an online message.
  2. Try to cultivate a new group of friends. Don’t stop hanging with your old friends, but try to push your boundaries and meet some new people. You’re in a new job, so this is a good point in your life to get to know your coworkers and add another circle of pals. Lots of meaningful romantic relationships either start as platonic friendships or develop when a friend introduces you to someone. So, try to get to know the new people in your life. John from accounting might have a cousin who is perfect for you!

And don’t forget, never sell yourself short! You are compassionate and caring and smart. Don’t let the agonies of dating make you think you are anything less!

Happy dating, and don’t forget to invite me to the wedding!

Becca

Time To Move On?

<u>Time To Move On?</u>
Laura Casely for LittleThings

Hi Becca,

What should I do? I have been in love with this guy for a long time. We have gone out here and there. I have given him hints as to how I feel about him. But obviously he didn’t get it.

Recently I saw pics of him and another female on social media and saw that he took her to the family Christmas… I still care deeply for this guy, but what do I do?

Should I confront him about it or just leave it alone and move on? Please help.

Sincerely,

~ Confused

Dear Confused,

It’s time for just the teeniest bit of tough love: I think you should move on.

I haven’t met you or your gentleman friend, but my best guess here is that he’s been stringing you along. He knows how you feel about him, so he’s been using you as his “safety net.” It seems to me like he doesn’t necessarily want to be with you, but he also always wants you to be there, just in case.

I say, cut him loose. You are nobody’s backup choice.

This world is full of men who would happily kiss the ground you walk on. Go out and find one of those fellows, and let this guy go. If he comes crawling back one day, you can decide then whether you’re still interested.

Stay strong, and always remember that you’re a catch!

Becca

Sleeping Separately

<u>Sleeping Separately</u>
Laura Casely for LittleThings

Dear Becca

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now. We don’t live together for financial reasons. Anyway, I have a problem with staying the night at another person’s house.

I have been that way my whole life. Lately it almost cost me my relationship. I find a way not to come over. I really don’t do it on purpose. I’m really going to start coming over more.

I guess my question is, why do you think I’m doing this?

~ Sarah**

Dear Sarah,

Now, I don’t know much about your living situation or your boyfriend’s, but I would guess that there’s a good reason you don’t like hanging out at his place, beyond just preferring your own bed. To generalize, most of the men I know aren’t very concerned with creating a comfy home environment.

Does he leave smelly socks everywhere? Does he have a gross roommate who walks around in boxers? Is his only furniture a futon and a milk crate? You probably aren’t comfortable at his place… because his place just isn’t comfortable.

Ask yourself, do you really have a problem staying anywhere that isn’t your own home, or do you specifically find his apartment less than welcoming?

Either way, the best first step might be asking him to stay over for a change. If you’re happiest in your home environment, it’s time for him to meet you halfway. And, if you guys are in a place to talk about moving in together at some point, maybe he could consider moving in with you, or helping you find an apartment that’s comfortable for both of you.

No matter what, wanting to spend the night in your own bed shouldn’t cost you your relationship. If he’s threatening to break up with you because you won’t stay over at his house, you might be better off staying cozy in your own home after all!

Best of luck,

Becca

Laura Casely for LittleThings

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