I Haven’t Had Sex In 15 Years — What Do I Tell My New Boyfriend?

by Rebecca Endicott
Becca is a writer and aspirational dog owner living in NYC.

The weekly Ask Becca advice column is your source for answering all of life’s tricky little questions.

Whether you need to talk sex, health, love, or friendship, I’m here to take your questions and tackle the answers head-on!

From a marital dry spell to a family member you just can’t handle, I’m here to discuss it all.

This week, I’m talking about how to feel smokin’ hot with a new lover, how to deal when you hate your daughter’s boyfriend, and the ins and outs of helping a friend through illness.

Life isn’t always easy, but Ask Becca is here to guide you through every bump in the road, and dole out plenty of helpful tips along the way.

Scroll through below to see this week’s dilemmas, and my best advice for dealing with each and every one of them.

If you have a question or worry of your own, send it my way at!

Photo Credit: Flickr / Vodex

Good In Bed

<u>Good In Bed</u>
Laura Casely for LittleThings

Dear Becca,

I’m so embarrassed to write this, but I have no idea what else to do.

I’m 62 years old, and I’ve recently started dating again for the first time in years. I’m seeing someone I really care about, and I can tell he wants to take the “next steps” — but he has no idea how many years it’s been since I’ve been “intimate” with a man (about 15 years now).

My body has changed so much, and it’s been so long, I have no idea what’s “normal” or “good” anymore. I’ve had three children, so I’m definitely no virgin, but I feel so awkward and scared…

How can I get myself prepared? How will I know what “moves” to do?? Should my underwear match??

Help me!!!
– Too Old For This

Dear T.O.F.T.,

First things first, you are not too old for this! There’s simply no such thing!

One of the wonderful things about sex (among many, many wonderful things) is that people have been doing it basically the same way, with some minimal variation, for thousands and thousands of years.

Given that sex hasn’t changed much in millennia, I promise it hasn’t changed much in the considerably smaller span of 15 years — if the chemistry and attraction is there, you can trust your body to know the rest.

And as to what your new guy thinks of your “moves” in bed? He better be darn worshipful.

Being intimate with you is a privilege, and if this gentleman has any sense, he already knows that.

So when the time comes, shower, primp, put on perfume — do whatever makes you feel good in your skin.

But most of all, try to relax into the moment. I promise, when he feels that spark between the two of you, the last thing he’s going to be paying attention to is whether your underwear matches.

Best of luck!


Disapproving Mama

<u>Disapproving Mama</u>
Laura Casely for LittleThings

Hey Becca,

I HATE my daughter’s boyfriend.

He’s not abusive or unkind to her, and he works full time — but he’s not at all what I pictured for her. He’s loud, not very smart, and has no real goals. He’s also 11 years older than my daughter, which I can’t stand.

I’ve tried gently telling her how I feel, but she won’t hear it. She says he makes her happy and that they’re in love. The conversation always ends badly.

The idea of them getting married and having kids together turns my stomach into knots, and I feel like he’s getting close to proposing…

What should I do? Am I just being a controlling mom? I don’t want her making a mistake and wasting years of her life with the wrong man…

Mother Hen

Dear Mother Hen,

Let us get straight to the point. Are you being too controlling? In short, yes.

You said it yourself: the conversation always ends badly. And no wonder, your daughter is an adult with the right to her own choices in love and in life.

You don’t have to like them, but unless she’s 14 and sneaking around with a no-good twentysomething delinquent, it’s just none of your business.

Of course you love your daughter and want what’s best, but now that she’s an adult, your parent-child relationship needs a foundation of trust.

You may never like the boyfriend. You may like him even less when he becomes the fiancé or the husband. Tough.

You have to trust your daughter when she says that she’s happy, and trust her to know when something is right for her.

It’s easy to tell that you’re a good mom, and it seems like you know deep down what the right choice is.

If you can’t ever learn to love the boyfriend, you can at least love the happiness he brings your daughter.

With tough love,


A Best Friend's Burden

<u>A Best Friend's Burden</u>
Laura Casely for LittleThings

Dear Becca,

My best friend of 19 years just found out she has breast cancer.

I’m so scared and upset. I don’t know how to talk to her about it, and I don’t know how to help her.

I’ve never dealt with something like this before. I’ve looked online, but it’s all so overwhelming. I want to be strong for her, but I can barely be strong for myself.

What’s worse, I feel so guilty for feeling scared and sad when she’s the one with cancer.

I really hope you can help me. I don’t know where else to turn.


Dear Anon,

My heart truly goes out to you. Learning that someone you care about is sick is almost as scary as getting the diagnosis yourself.

Still, the key word in that sentence is almost.

You already know how terrified and worried your bestie must feel going through this awful process — that is what’s driving your own feelings of guilt.

What you may not realize is that, after the initial panicked free fall of diagnosis, what most cancer patients crave is normalcy and routine. They don’t want to think about being sick all the time.

So tell your friend you love her, that you’ll be there for her through thick and thin, and that she can always count on you.

Then change the subject. Distract her with the latest juicy gossip from your friend group, take her to movies, go get a pedicure together.

Don’t worry, she isn’t looking for a nurse or a therapist with all the answers; she just needs her best friend, and you already know exactly how to be that person for her.

Warmest wishes,


Laura Casely for LittleThings

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